Life now worse since coup 

Source: Life now worse since coup – The Standard April 29, 2018

My Dear Miserable People I am quite aware of the levels of despair and desperation currently gripping the country.

By DOCTOR STOP IT

Of course, you and the MDC were foolishly used to go into the streets to help dethrone the Great Robert Mugabe, but sadly, you have now learnt that as they say: the more things change, the more they stay the same.

After promising you heaven on earth after staging the coup d’état in violation of international law, what positive change have the coup plotters brought to the lives of Zimbabweans?

I remember Lizard taking a cheap shot at Bhobho by claiming through the media that the Great Gushungo wanted his pension paid in cash.

The not-so-clever lizard then added that instead of him receiving his money in cash, he would rather join queues of other Zimbabweans trying to get their hard-earned money.

Mr President, people don’t want to see you pulling publicity stunts like the excitable advocate by joining queues.

They want you to end the cash shortages so that there are no queues.

Still on the cash situation, everybody knows that Lizard, Patrick Chinamasa and the reserve bank people have totally failed in managing cash in the market.

Or are they allowing the situation to prevail for reasons best known to them?

We all know that when we go to banks we cannot find our money.

But when we walk in the streets, we meet a lot of money changers brandishing wads of our local currency.

This points at simple failure on the party of Lizard and his clueless mandarins.

I will repeat my question once again.

What has changed positively that benefits ordinary people?

I know we have a president whose major and only achievement so far has been to make his minions wear that rather garish scarf which makes a lot of them look like clowns ready to perform at a circus.

A few so-called mega deals have been signed, including dodgy ones which lizard was afraid to associate with, which was why he made a Mines minister sign for an alleged billion-dollar project.

Has anything changed since the coup? Of course, no!

When the coup was being conducted, there were supposed to be criminals surrounding Mugabe and so far we have not seen any credible criminals.

Maybe a few bags of beans found at farmer Makhosini Hlongwane’s farm would qualify him as a criminal.

Or maybe the criminals were the ones at the other end of the guns.

Such as the ones who seize government farms that produce seeds for Zimbabwean farmers and give them to their wives as birthday presents.

Kwaaaaaaaaaa! Just like how Gushungo and Dinha gave me all those farms in Mazowe and the Mazowe Dam for me to play in.

My position is actually that things have become worse since the coup.

Look at how prices of commodities have skyrocketed and you just wait for the ripple effect of strikes that will hit the country.

The doctors and nurses’ strike was just the beginning.

The teachers and general strikes loom large.

I am sure the government will send its most consummate dipromat, Dr Shenanigans, to restore regasi in the education sector by firing all of them.

With an election on the horizon, we can count on him to ensure all the probremz of causing angzhayati will be soroved amikebri with all those on strike being fired for engaging in poritiks.

While still on what some people cruelly described as Wannabe Yellow bone Shananigans or Yerobhoni, will his handlers help him with a few things?

The first one is that he should try and privately rehearse his speeches before making a spectacle of himself by failing to pronounce some simple words.

This may create false impressions that a certain senior government official cannot read Engrish.

The other thing that his managers and speechwriters should try and watch is to ensure that they try and avoid putting the word “elections” in his speeches.

The pronunciation could have catastrophically embarrassing consequences.

Preaze comrade speechwriters, I improre you.

Circus Continues

You will all remember that it was I who first asked the question if Lizard was really calling the shots in the country.

After all, it was not him who led the coup, but a senior military boss who may now be impatient for his turn to come.

Maybe this is why we continue to see some inconsistencies on decisions taken at the top.

Is it true that the date for Zimbabwe’s next elections was proclaimed in the United Kingdom over tea?

That is not good for a country which fought for independence from the British.

People may end up thinking we are now a colony or that former soldiers are the ones in charge of this country.

We need to avoid scenarios of the past where Yerrow bone fires senior police officers then ED reinstates them.

Yerrow bone also fired nurses before the government quickly rehired them.

Again, this may cause others to lose faith in the administration which would make it as unpredictable as the North Korean nutcase who has murdered several relatives and government officials based on suspicion of disloyalty.

Munhuwese kunaGire!

Munopenga!

Ntombizodwa woyeee!