Source: Orchestra Dry Jokes basks in bereavement fund glory – The Zimbabwe Independent April 12, 2019
“As you know, we crossed each other with the British over the land reform programme, but let me tell you what happened . . . Prince Charles’ son, William, also wrote. Three letters coming from Britain, this has never happened before. We appreciate what the Royal Family has done.”
MUCKRAKER has not seen anyone singing and dancing this much for “chema” (bereavement fund), at least not since singer First Farai disappeared into the night with the proverbial bagful of chema from Cephas Mashakada’s funeral.
President Emmerson Mnangagwa aka The Scarfed One and his backing vocalists were on their latest tour of Manicaland, hoping to bring joy and entertainment to the distressed victims of Cyclone Idai which ravaged parts of eastern Zimbabwe, particularly Chimanimani and Chipinge. The band did not disappoint.
Regaling his captive audience with his standard dry jokes, the President brought some unexpected and exciting news to victims; losing your loved ones, your homes, and your livelihood is not really such a bad thing.
This was stunning news to the survivors, who sat up and listened further to learn more about this revelation.
They whispered among themselves: Since when has death and destruction become a good thing? Well, since the New Dispensation, obviously.
“This cyclone was a blessing in disguise, hallelujah!” screamed the country’s leader.
Why? Well, because as soon as people died and had their livelihoods destroyed, our enemies came to us begging to help us.
“As you know, we crossed each other with the British over the land reform programme, but let me tell you what happened,” ED said.
“Prince Charles’ son, William, also wrote. Three letters coming from Britain, this has never happened before. We appreciate what the Royal Family has done.”
You see? So good was the cyclone that even the Queen is writing letters to us. Would the queen have written to us if the weather had been nice and sunny? Obviously not.
Thank you, Idai.
Meanwhile, Finance minister Mthuli Ncube and Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe governor John Mangudya were reminded that they are not convincing anyone, not even their boss.
For months, they have told the nation that RTGS is a real currency. Well, not even their boss thinks it is.
Not only did Cyclone Idai get us a letter from Buckingham Palace, it also made Trump see sense and give us money. Real money too, according to the Commander-in-Chief.
“But the most exciting one is about Trump. Do you know him, the President of America, the one who slapped us with sanctions?” ED said excitedly. “Yesterday, he sent his ambassador. He brought US$2,5 million.”
And this is real money, not some obscure RTGS dollars used in some forsaken part of Africa, the masses were told. “Two-and-a-half million dollars; the real US dollars; their own money and not our RTGS$!”
This shocked nobody, especially because ED is unlikely to have ever handled bond notes since they were launched. We have all seen him whip out US dollar notes from his wallet to dole out to folks at rallies and at hospitals and even to buy a takeaway at a fast-food outlet.
At least we know that our leader is on the side of the people on one thing: he doesn’t believe a word that either Ncube or Mangudya says.
Like all patriotic Zimbabweans, Muckraker celebrated the return of Didymus Mutasa and Ambrose Mutinhiri to the revolutionary party, Zanu PF.
When Mutinhiri quit Zanu PF in March last year, he claimed he was doing so because he could not serve under a leader who had come to power via a coup and that the government had been “captured by the Zimbabwe Defence Forces”.
But this is the New Dispensation, a new era of short-term memory loss. These days, anyone can switch camps overnight and be accepted as a hero in the rival camp, as long as they are willing to praise party leaders loudly enough and denounce the opponent.
Mutasa and Mutinhiri have a long history of using unorthodox methods to win political power. Which other party out there can accommodate men with such skills, if not Zanu PF? As Mutinhiri himself said this week to Zanu PF officials: “I am ready to take up any assignment given to me. I am at your service.”
Mutinhiri’s vast experience in forcing Zanu PF to win elections, which many people of Marondera can attest to, will be invaluable in the next election.
He brings with him the massive 4 107 votes that he won nationwide in the 2018 election. At least he won a commendable thousand more votes than Bryn Mteki.
As for Mutasa, one had to find shelter from all those creditors who started circling around him the moment he left Shake Shake Building five years ago.
Also speaking this week, he said he had only been fired by former president Robert Mugabe for telling him the truth.
Hopefully, he has not lost that talent of speaking truth to power. After all, while he was out in the cold, Mutasa told us that many people voted Zanu PF out of fear and that the party sometimes cheats in elections. It will be interesting to hear from him, after this week, if he still holds that view.
Anyway, Muckraker, being a patriot, welcomes Mutasa and Mutinhiri. It is pleasing to see Zanu PF injecting some new blood into the ranks.
What was more entertaining about Mutinhiri’s return to Zanu PF? The reaction of his sympathisers.
When he quit Zanu PF in March, the whole universe was told that Zanu PF was quaking in its boots. Pictures of Mutinhiri standing next to Mugabe were circulated. In the papers and online, easily excitable journos announced that Mutinhiri’s move marked the end of Zanu PF as we know it.
Former Higher Education minister Jonathan Moyo, at the time, declared that Mutinhiri had shown “bold leadership against coup makers”.
Mutinhiri’s glittering war record was brought out for all to marvel at.
This week, Jona was in grief, tweeting that Mutinhiri’s return shows that Zanu PF was a “political graveyard with the old guard deadwood regrouping”.
Meanwhile, “new millennials are taking on a new transformational agenda elsewhere”, tweeted Moyo, obviously tired after trying to carry a 94-year-old to office.
The nation was happy to hear this week that Mnangagwa is one of the country’s best farmers. We are lucky to have good farmers for presidents. Our last one kept winning awards every year for his farming prowess.
Mnangagwa was presented on TV showing off his farm to a bored-looking Rwandan minister, who seemed eager to be rather doing something else with his time. According to The Herald, Mnangagwa’s “farming ingenuity is evident in how he mooted Command Agriculture, a specialised import substitution programme that has changed Zimbabwe from grain imports to self-sustenance”.
Many will be surprised to learn that we are growing enough food and self-sufficient. Clearly, reports that government is seeking foreign food aid from donors are fake news, circulated by Western-sponsored elements. That the aid appeals have been reported by the very same The Herald is neither here nor there.
Muckraker was, however, happy to learn that ED is a hands-on farmer with “a grasp of operations”.
Many will be wondering when he will also become a hands-on President with a grasp on things like you know . . . the economy.
First Family walkabouts void, clueless
President Emmerson Mnangagwa’s recent walkabout at an OK retail outlet in Kwekwe created a lot of excitement among hangers-on and the lickspittle state media.
ED swarmed in Kwekwe shop, bleated the Sunday Mail. We were told by state media hacks that he wanted to acquaint himself with prices of goods. As usual, those who expected prices of goods to drop dramatically after his visit to “acquaint himself with prices of goods” were sorely disappointed as prices have since shot up and have seriously eroded the buying power of the general public since he set foot at the shop.
This, of course, is nothing new. It is a well-trodden path. At a clean-up campaign in February this year at Parirenyatwa Hospital, the septuagenarian leader was appalled at the shoddy state of the hospital and this was after his wife Auxilia had also been on a whirlwind tour of public hospitals late last year. However, since then conditions at the hospitals where they set foot have deteriorated to the extent that doctors downed tools to protest the sorry state of affairs as patients die from curable diseases due to a lack of basic resources. This just goes to show that the so-called visits by the First Family are really much ado about nothing. Cheap publicity stunts