Obama rejects Mugabe’s proposal

via Obama rejects Mugabe’s proposal – The Zimbabwean 8 July 2015

President Robert Mugabe recently proposed marriage to US President Barack Obama following the legalisation of gay marriage by the Supreme Court in the United States. The Zimbabwean suggests that the following would be an appropriate response:

Dear Robert,

I was rather taken aback to receive your alarming proposal of marriage last week. Unfortunately, I have to decline your proposal for the following reasons. I hope you will not be too heart-broken by my rejection.

First, I am not gay. My support for the gay movement should not be interpreted as representing my own personal sexual orientation. One can support gay rights without being gay, you know.

Secondly, our union would never last as we are politically incompatible. I support the rule of law in my country. You are above the law in yours. You make it your business to beat up, arrest, harass and generally cause havoc among your political opponents. I do not bash leaders of opposition parties in the USA, no matter how tempting that might be when they disagree with me.

Although I am the most powerful man in the world, I obey court orders. I do not believe in arresting dissenting judges. You have no qualms about arresting judges who do not see things your way. Sometimes, I feel a night for a few of my judges in the smelly, lice-infected Matapi police station cells might be good for them, but we don’t do that sort of thing here.

Power of persuasion

Thirdly, I am justifiably proud of the fact we have an independent body that oversees elections here. You prefer to stuff yours with loyal and partisan military types who can be relied upon to stuff boxes to give a result acceptable to you. While the American voters’ rolls are public, your guys prefer to keep your country’s rolls a closely-guarded secret. I understand you like quite a few dead people as well as thousands of people over a 100 years old to vote for you. My lot get removed from the roll the moment they die.

Also, I prefer to persuade Americans to vote for me. I believe in the power of persuasion, not coercion. No Americans have been beaten, raped, intimidated or killed by my government forces on my watch. You seem to specialise in brutalising the electorate. The military and hordes of your party’s thugs have perfected the craft of political brutality. Call me squeamish – but that’s not for me.

Another area where we could have problems in our marriage is over money. You seem to spend money like water. You love travelling at enormous cost, forcing your treasury to pick up the tab when your minister of finance is screaming loudly that the government coffers are empty. You don’t allow such inconveniences to come in the way of a good family holiday in Asia. I believe in balancing the books. If we can’t afford it, we don’t do it.

Corruption

You also seem to have problems managing a small and dwindling economy. The mayor of New York manages a bigger budget than yours for the whole of Zimbabwe, yet he does a great job of accounting for every cent.

I would have problems with anyone who tolerates corruption. In my country the law enforcement agencies swing into action once they get to know of any corruption. They don’t need my permission to investigate my friends or colleagues. You have stopped investigations of parliamentarians who stole constituency funds, you have suspended investigations of ministers who were deemed corrupt by your own struggling and bankrupt Anti-Corruption Commission. Americans would have me impeached if I tried that, and quite rightly so too.

What is particularly distasteful to me is that you have admitted to being a racist. According to you white people in Zimbabwe have no rights. They cannot own land and have to cede a major portion of their companies to your friends and allies under a law you crafted to legalise such theft. I am busy trying to consolidate our gains as a non-racist country. We have our problems, but my government does not tolerate racism.

Dogs and pigs

Furthermore, given your stance against gays whom you have called “worse than dogs and pigs” I cannot accept such intolerance.

Lastly, I know that an enormous age difference between spouses is not a problem for you – but I am far too young to be in a relationship with someone of your advanced years.

Please don’t be too heart-broken by this rejection. You have a young wife who can console you. I know you will get over this. Perhaps to console yourself in this disappointment, you could have a great day bashing an effigy of that Morgan Tsvangirai chap you detest so much.

Yours sincerely,

Barack