La Bella Mafia, a movie

via La Bella Mafia, a movie 22 October 2014

Don Roberto, an ageing crime boss suddenly comes to realise that he has lost his bite and this is not in reference to his dentures. His underlings no longer seem to fear him. Ordinary people, on buses and taxis, constantly speculate about his health. There are rumours that he has lost control of his sphincter – all lies of course – and rumours that his young wife, a foul-mouthed girl he plucked off the shop floor of his factory, has become his personal nurse. His underboss (a charismatic woman) and his trusty consigliere (mobster speak for advisor), the Gator are silently squabbling over control of the crime syndicate, once he croaks.

Junior mobsters are no longer respectful of the ‘made men’ and constantly hurl insults at the captains. One junior boss, who has been arrested several times but somehow escapes conviction, is cosy with his Godfather – an old mob boss called The Fumigator. Old Fumigator is also tight with the underboss of the main family. Together they are wrestling for control with the scheming consigliere, Gator, who is also the big boss’ main enforcer. The Gator, by the way, is one of high profile mobsters who are known to have whacked over 20,000 working men and women. ‘Whack’ is underworld talk for ‘kill.’ The underboss, a tough woman, who has the battle scars to prove it, seemed to have the upper hand, in the tussle for supremacy. But Gator devised a scheme. He convinced Don Roberto to allow his wife to come in and learn the family business of organised crime.

‘What about my needs? Who will clean me when I have, when I have–.’ Don Roberto stuttered. The Gator leaned in and whispered confidentially.

‘You mean when you’ve had an accident?’ Don Roberto nodded. ‘Not to worry,’ hissed the reptilian schemer. ‘I will personally make sure you have a doctor close by.’

The old boss agreed. He quite liked the idea. He had grown rather weary of being bossed by the wife and felt it was time the workers got a taste of his feisty missus.

The first to suffer at the hands of the bossy wife is the lady underboss. Rather curiously, the Bella Mafia enlisted the services of the boss’ former consort. There was once a rumour that the Bella Mafia and this woman once got into a mud fight, much to the pleasure of the men. These mobsters had never seen anything like it. There had never been such stimulating entertainment at The Rooster, the crime syndicate’s favourite pub on Rotten Row Boulevard. Anyhow, the Bella Mafia’s accomplice made disparaging remarks about the underboss, accusing her of whacking her own husband, who himself was an enforcer for the crime family before he retired from the business. It is really not plausible that she whacked him. He was too powerful a man. If anybody bumped him off, it would have had to be someone very powerful, someone with the street connections to arrange a hit and get away clean. Next, the Bella Mafia accused the underboss of trying to destroy the crime syndicate. The underboss remained silent.

The Bella Mafia was on a roll. In one borough, she summoned the factory workers to listen to her speak a whole lot of nothing. But these are the very people who either survived the whacking of 20,000 or lost a loved one during the senseless massacre. They haven’t forgotten. Fed up with her speech, they rose and walked out. The Bella Mafia was very angry.

‘Sit down!’ she said. ‘Sit down or you won’t get any spaghetti and meatballs!’ The angry factory workers flapped their hands at her and carried on walking. ‘What is wrong with these people!’ she fumed.

But nobody bothered to answer. They did not like her one bit. They were only there for the spaghetti and meatballs.

Back at his villa, Don Roberto, followed his wife’s progress on TV. He was pleased that she was doing what he did not have the courage to do himself.

The Bella Mafia took her circus show of threats, insults and hot air to another factory. There she found a factory boss with whom she bore a grudge.

‘You see this man…’ she began, pointing at the factory boss, unconcerned that his subordinates were present. ‘Some years back, I almost punched him.’ What a classy dame. All pearl necklaces and Gucci handbags, but underneath, still really a common shop floor girl.

After her two weeks of speeches and insults, the Bella Mafia and her husband got on private jet and flew to Italy for Sunday Mass. It seems extravagant, fueling a whole aeroplane, just to go and say a few Hail Marys. But Don Roberto is a wealthy man. Money is like ‘easy come, easy go.’ At the farewell dinner, the Bella Mafia and her arch nemesis, the underboss, exchanged icy shoulders. Not one word passed between them – not even a brisk ‘pass the ketchup please.’ It must have really annoyed the Bella Mafia to see that her husband, Don Roberto, had left the underboss in charge of all organised crime, while the couple was away. In Rome, the boss went to confession to come clean on many murders, many thefts, and many dodgy business deals. The Priest fell asleep, listening to the long catalogue of sins. Thereafter, Don Roberto and his wife, The Bella Mafia, had Communion, which is rather irregular because she is what some on the shop floor call a recycled wife. She left her first husband, in order to marry the powerful Don Roberto. The Catholic Church does not permit divorcées to partake in the holy ceremony.

This is the tale of La Bella Mafia. To speak further would only spoil the movie.