Muckraker: Our rational govt bans its own citizens from home

Source: Muckraker: Our rational govt bans its own citizens from home – The Zimbabwe Independent


This week, Zimbabweans were among a host of African nationalities unfairly banned from going to countries in the West and Asia. Even Rwanda, where there is economic progress and decapitation of opponents in equal measure, also banned us from going there.

On hearing all this, our own government became jealous. After criticising Britain and other Western countries for banning Zimbabweans from going there, Zimbabwe decided to do what any rational government would do: it banned Zimbabwean nationals from coming here.

The sight of happy people is an offence to the government. Thus, the country’s owner declared, citizens coming here for the holidays must be detained over Christmas.

The best way of showing the West how silly their travel bans are was to impose the very same silly travel bans against your own people. That should teach those Westerners a lesson.

Alert intelligence

Our intrepid and alert intelligence system, using sophisticated investigation techniques, among them Google and newspapers, has uncovered publicly available news that noblemen in the British House of Lords recently declared that they are working with teachers’ unions in the country to destabilise the nation, by raising petty issues like salaries.

According to President Emmerson Mnangagwa, this is “confirmation of very gross, unwarranted and blatant interference in the domestic affairs of our country by the British government” and there is to be a “full and thorough investigation into this grave matter”.

The nation is in no doubt that such thorough investigation should start with salaries of teachers, which are a fifth of what our liberators spend on a side-chick’s wigs.

Cellphone levy

Mthuli Ncube’s 2022 budget was pro-poor budget, according to the Herald of absolute truth.

One of these pro-poor policies was a new US$50 levy on each imported cellphone. This will stop people from smuggling, Ncube said.

In Senate, Chief Fortune Charumbira, lover of cars and rampant breaker of the law, was not happy about it, saying: “We rejected the proposal and I am surprised that he included it in the budget. What does it mean for e-learning?”

You know you have hit rock bottom as a Finance minister if Charumbira, of all people, is talking more sense than you are. When that happens, it is time to re-evaluate your entire existence.

Clean Mudenda

It is always heartwarming to see Zimbabwe sending out some of its most experienced brains to represent us on the global stage at various events.

The latest was Jacob Mudenda, who we sent to speak at a global event in Spain, where Members of Parliament debated long and hard about how to fight corruption. We are grateful to have our Speaker of Parliament being such a sought-after speaker on such matters.

Older folks may remember how Mudenda may or may not have profited from a tiny little car scandal in the 1980s. Some patently unpatriotic people may even try to remind us about how Mudenda’s son, Donald, may or may not have been accused once of winning contracts at the then Civil Aviation Authority of Zimbabwe (Caaz). This was at a time his daddy was, coincidentally, Caaz chairman. Let us also never bring up obviously false reports about how Mudenda may have sold land to Zesa in Victoria Falls at inflated prices not so long ago.

Let us never bring these silly and false claims up. We must just be grateful that, for once, we have people to send to specialised summits to share their undoubted expertise.

Chinamasa threats

It was reported this week that Patrick Chinamasa, former finance minister, renowned opener of bins and designated Zanu PF rabble-rouser, had warned Nelson Chamisa and his MDC Alliance cohort against intimidating his party.

“We are aware from the onset that MDC is a violent party, but let them be warned not to play with fire,” Chinamasa charged. “We are ruling this country hence you cannot intimidate a ruling party and it is not possible. Who are you to stop people from joining the ruling party? If I hear these complaints again you will be in for it.”

Chamisa must, forthwith, stop this business of intimidating Zanu PF. He should focus on selling out the country, driving aimlessly around the country, meeting useless villagers and finding a new name for his party.

Violence and intimidation are the preserve of one party. They do not like competition.

Dead ZBC

After a power cut by the region’s best electricity company, Zesa, calamity ensued this week at the offices of the country’s best and only broadcasting station, ZBC.

After reporting that the country would soon be exporting energy because we will have too much of it, thanks to the efforts of the New Dispensation, a power cut caused ZBC to go off air. The station said it “suffered a power outage” which “affected radio and TV transmission” which lasted for hours.

ZBC apologised “for the inconvenience” and told us that “engineers are working to restore services”.

We can assure ZBC that no inconvenience was suffered during the hours in which they were off air. Across the nation, there was widespread celebration and thanksgiving. There was a national outpouring of pity for those poor engineers who had the unwanted job of restoring pain to the masses, after hours of joy and relief.

Joy for borehole

Muckraker joins the people of Kuwadzana, and the masses around the world, in celebrating the repair of a borehole by alleged opposition MP Chalton Hwende in the area.

This week, Hwende, secretary-general of the country’s biggest alternative party, announced that, through his selfless act of competence and benevolence, he had repaired a borehole in the constituency. Thank heavens for by-elections. Without them, would we be seeing these smart city solutions from our next wannabe owners?

Waking up to go collect water at the local borehole is just the sort of progress we all dreamed of when we left our rural areas to come to the city.